Did everything just taste purple?

I have been thinking a lot about many different things lately.  I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to spend time with many of my best friends lately.  It has really make me think about the important things in life.
 
I do realize that I am the oldest person of my dearest friends.  Age doesn't really matter to me as much as it used to.  It's just not a big deal.  But that's not my point.  My point here is that things are changing.  Becca just became a mother.  How beautiful is that.  When I went to see her & the baby for the first time, she made a statement that was truly from the heart, but felt she had to explain and change to accommodate me.  That shouldn't have been how it way, but...  What Becca had said was, "I don't understand how someone wouldn't want to do this."  To be honest, neither do I.  I know being a parent is a very special thing...a very important part of someone's life.  However, I still have no desire to be a mother.  Okay, let me stop there and gather my thoughts.  *sigh*  Yes, the thought of having a child has entered my mind.  I in no way would be able to raise a child.  I don't care how compassionate I may be in others' eyes, nor do I care how loving and devoted I am towards children.  I am not a mother.  How many times have I said, "I"???  Yes, I'm selfish.  I like no attacchments.  But I also don't feel like I deserve a child to take care of nor would I be able to raise someone to be... It's not in the cards.  On the other hand, I believe things happen for a reason.  I am not able to "mother" but I am blessed with the opportunity to be an aunt.  I will soon have a great nephew.  I am very excited about this.  It's going to be awesome! :)

Spirituality has been weighing heavy on me.  I desire to live as a spiritual being, but I don't necessarily require standard religious practices.  I must do more research.  I can't be who people want me to be, not that I ever have been...when I say that of course I mean my family.   Maybe it is defiance.  Maybe I'm just trying really hard not to be them. 



What else is on my mind?  Marriage.  Don't worry little ones...I'm not running off to Vegas.  Based on recent events I begin to question myself.  Would I stay faithful?  Or would I find the first difficulty as a reason to "run" as I always do and it would just be one more thing I can't handle?  Is this my "that's why I stay away---don't get attached" way of thinking?  It's weird.  Of course each person is different.  It really doesn't matter, I find myself interested in the unattainable.  Maybe that's the wrong word.  Mostly those that I am attracted to is pointless...because I know it wouldn't work out and I already know the reasons why. 


Most importantly, I'm doing more things that are for me.  I'm enjoying my time more and exploring new things and finding out more about myself.  That's what's great about trying to see the whole picture.  Having my friends is important.  More important than the small things that could change that.  I love the openness I have with them and the support I get from them.  It's a great feeling to be loved.