Did everything just taste purple?

I should so be studying, however, i really felt the need to blog, or just journal of some sort. I'm not even sure where this is going at the moment. I could have really used someone to talk to, however everyone seemed to be unavailable, or unwilling, as the case may be. Anyway...there are so many thoughts going through my head. Finals are here and I am so stressed out about them. I had one today, it wasn't too bad, but i know i could have done better. Tomorrow night's is going to kill me, but it will only take a few hours, lol.

Okay...that was way off track. Tonight, well, lately, i've been doing a lot of thinking. Do i need to stay here another year? I'm not thinking about transferring. I guess just taking some time off---and going home to help Mom & Dad out. Now that Mom is seeing this doctor, and the uncertainty of what will happen with that, I'm thinking that maybe with my lease being up at the end of this month, it's time to go home and see what I can do. I don't know what I should do. I know that I'm not entirely happy right now. I know that most of the time i am thinking about these things and what's going to happen. It's just a lot to deal with. I'm wondering if things would be different if I was there to help out a little and take some of the pressures off of my mom and dad. Then i start to wonder if it's really my motivation or if it's just everything here that is making me want to change so badly. Of course, i know that one year isn't that long and then i could go anywhere. But will I? If things don't change w/ M & D, or if they get worse...I don't even want to think about it. Some may say that these things aren't really my concern. Why not? Family is family. I feel the need to take care of what I can, if I can. I don't know what I'm going to do. This isn't the first time I've contemplated these thoughts, nor will it be the last, i'm sure.

On a different note, 1 final down, 3 to go...well, 'til next time...

Wow, the last time I blogged, I was really excited about my sis's pregnancy and that everything was going well. Well, as in the title...ain't life strange? It's just strange how you can be so happy one moment and the very next be so heartbroken that you can barely deal with anything or anyone. Life is full of unexpected things. Usually I welcome these things---spontaneous acts. But tragedies are far different. It's been somewhat of a trying week. I went home last weekend because my sister had been having some problems and I felt that I needed to be there with her. I went home. I spent the weekend with her and it killed me to see her in so much pain. I knew she wasn't handling the possibilities set before her very well. I did all I could to make sure she had everything she needed. As I type this, it's all i can do to keep from breaking down. Monday she went back to the doctor. He informed her that she had lost the baby. After continuous praying and belief that everything would be okay, the truth came that there would be no baby. But my sister is fine, physically. Emotionally, i can't even imagine what she is going through. I know what i'm feeling, but it doesn't even come close to how much she has lost. It's been a rough week.

I talked to her almost every day this week. Tonight we were talking and we were discussing how it has been almost a year since Larry passed away. Yet another tragedy that was prayed over. I still don't understand why he had to go. I know he was very sick and in so much pain, but why did he have to be? It was all so sudden. He entered the hospital in early April and by mid-May, he was gone. To this day, I have not seen one thing that has come from his death. Usually people will say that there was a reason. Well, where is the reason?

I don't know how much I can trust. If I can trust. I had been talking to a friend of mine over the past year about faith and God and everything having to do w/ believing. It's so hard. I'm realizing day by day that my Dad will never be the same as he once was. He was undoubtedly the strongest person I had ever known. Then he got sick. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy that he is still with us, because there was a time when we weren't sure if he would be. I love my Dad. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am the biggest 'Daddy's girl" in the world. There is no one that I could look up to more. And to realize that things have changed. The differences are small, but the differences are noticable to us. I just don't know what to believe anymore.