Did everything just taste purple?

Well, it's New Year's eve and I've decided to stay in tonight. I just got back into town a few hours ago. It seemed to be a longer drive than usual tonight. I'm not sure why. Maybe there was more traffic, maybe I drove slower, or maybe I was just hesitant in getting back to Norman. Whatever it was, I made it here finally, safe and sound.

I went home for Christmas last Wednesday. It was quite a visit home. Not in a bad way--mostly. I got to spend time with my boys, which is what I was really looking forward to. I didn't get to see all of them the first day back, but I did on the second day. Trenton is getting so big. I can't believe he will be 1 next month. Time has gone by so fast. It amazes me how much all of the boys have grown. I sound like a parent. lol. But I know I'm missing so much with them. Isaiah is so tall. He is going to be just like his uncle. He followed me around all week. It was cute. Jeremiah is becoming quite the young man. He seriously can't be 13, right? I got to see him play basketball with his new team. That was really fun. I just wish I enjoyed basketball more. I had more fun when he and I were playing. :) My boys are growing up and learning more every day. It's awesome to see them maturing in so many different ways. I definitely appreciate my time with them. I am never happier than when I am with them.

More things that happened while I was at home...I got to spend time with my cousins that were in from Kansas. They both go to college up there. I rarely get to see them--usually b/c we are never home at the same times. I talked to a friend from high school. We got to catch up a little bit. Not much has changed, it seems. I caught up with an ex and his wife. That was a little awkward...it's usually not when I see them. But this time it was a little different, I'm really not sure why. I also ran into an old friend of mine. I had not seen this boy in years. We talked for a little bit and it turns out that he may be moving back to Oklahoma soon. It was really good to see him. I don't think we had seen each other in about 15 years or so. Maybe not that long, but definitley over 10. It was crazy to see him so grown up. Kind of strange. But it was really good to see him. Maybe I'll run into him again sometime. Jay is pretty small.

I spent a lot of time with my parents and soem time with my sister. It was really good. My parents are doing well. I worry about them a lot. I think it would do me some good to go back home in a few months. We'll see how I feel in a few months. :) My sister is about to burst. She could give birth at any moment it seems. However, if nothing happens by Jan. 26, then the baby will be born that day. I'm so excited! I found so many things for the baby this weekend, but I didn't get anything b/c we still don't know if we will have a boy or a girl. It's really not a big deal. I don't really care either way. I know I kept saying that I really want a niece---and I do, but I would love another nephew as well. He or she will be very loved and cherished no matter what. Karm & Gerald are getting a little anxious. :) They are such great parents to Jer and Za...I know that they will be amazing with the new baby. I can't believe the next time I go home, there will be a new little person there. *sigh* It's all so very exciting!

Well, I'm exhausted from today and all week. I haven't had much time to rest. And now I'm back in Norman, so that means that I must work again. But that's okay, life will go on...that's the beauty of it. Life is good...so, 'til next time...

Tonight, while searching for a gift in my room, I came across the key that I had been looking for for the past few months. It's a key that opens a keepsake box that I've had since my senior year in high school. I was looking for it a few months ago because there were some things in the box that I desperately wanted to get rid of. Although, looking back, I don't think that was the right time. I don't think I was truly in a place to deal with what it entailed. Over the past few months I've really been thinking about my past and the things that happened way back when. But I've been looking at these things differently. I think they were necessary for me to become the person I am today. I am speaking of my worst relationship, for those of you who know the story--or at least some of it. I think it makes sense to rework different aspects of the situation in my head. The more I think about it, the less I hate the person. I'm not saying that I could sit down and have dinner with him and catch up on old times, but I don't like to empower him by letting him "control" part of me---my emotions. I don't want to say that I don't care either. I do care because that was a part of me. I think that hating this person allows me to not move forward. Hanging on to what is in the past gets me nowhere...and keeps me from seeing a lot of good things. I won't forget any of it, how could I, right? But it is time to move on...and so...when I unlocked the box, I found a lot of the past in it. It was still kind of hard, but I got rid of so much stuff that reminded me of then and took me back to, yes, some of the good times. But with that, I also remembered the worst of it. The box still holds a few things, but not that part of my life. It's gone. I won't open the box again and be flooded with thoughts or feelings about what happened during that time. I had tried once before to throw it all out, but wasn't able to. I feel good about this. I read through some of it, wow. It was just something I had to do. Perfect timing. I just graduated and now I can put that behind me. It's a good time to begin. Well, 'til next time...

okay, so I'm extremely tired, but I can't go to bed unless I post this...so here goes. I received The BEST gift tonight! OMG! Zainab & Payam gave me Phrenology bust for graduation! I have wanted one of these for so long. I am so excited about it! I have been sitting here for a while now just looking over it and reading all of the different labeled areas on it. It is so wonderful! I wanted to call my mom and tell her what I got, but I knew she would be in bed. I figured Becca was asleep when I got home, so I couldn't show her either. :( I have no one to share my new toy with right now. So now the head is sitting im my lap while I take yet another closer look at it. I am so incredibly excited about this! I had no idea where I would even get one, but those two are incredibly resourceful. I am way excited! :) This thing is so awesome! I knwo, I'm a nerd, but it's cool, dammit! I'm taking it home to show my family and htem bringing it back and displaying it. I had no idea what to expect when Zainab told me that she got me something I had said I wanted way back when we first met. Wow. Seriously, I have wanted this forever. OMG, it is so cool! :D! I keep looking at it & I can't help but smile. Thank you guys sooooo much! I couldn't have asked for anything better! YAY! Well...'til next time...b/c I'm incredibly tired! :)

I love that quote...by Peter Hansen, A Thousand Roads. I love how simple it is and how it says so much. I should have put it on my "Reflection" post a few days ago. Although, tonight I think of it literally in terms of everyone that I have encountered. People who are my friends and/or family, have definitely been my guide in various ways, showing me how to take steps and how each individual step should be taken according to different tasks. They are my teachers in helping me to see what I may not have been able to see because I have been putting up walls. They have shown me how to bet past some of those barriers and walk through some of them...allowing me to be 'healed' in some aspects along the way. I am very thankful to those people in my life (if you are reading this, you are one).

I have also been thinking of people who have just passed through my life...maybe just for a moment. It may have been just an instant compared to a lifetime. I'm not sure why, but it's been on my mind lately. There are several reasons I guess. For one, I'm examining my life from different perspectives. My lack of commitment...in pretty much everything. I want more commitment in my life, as far as doing things to better myself and doing things better. I really want that.

I know, some of you are thinking...does that mean that she wants other things as well? Ummm...no. lol. I'm still not using the phrase "want". Mainly because there is still a major 'fear of commitment' as far as that is concerned. It has nothing to do with walking down the aisle, or living with someone forever. It's mainly b/c I know I am not at all ready for that. Why? I'm not sure. One reason could be that I still find myself attracted to the wrong sort of guy. I don't mean someone that I would be a terrible match with. It's beyond that. Although, I do think it's easier to be attracted to someone who is not right when there is no hope for it leading anywhere. Funny how the past never goes away completely. I don't know why I'm even writing this...it's kinda strange. I guess maybe b/c some things have come up lately...that are way off the mark. I don't know. I tend to confuse people when it comes to these sort of things. People assume things that aren't there and then it makes for a very awkward situation. I will admit, it's been quite a while since another person has made me happy...but at the same time, I don't want to rely on another person to make me happy. I don't know...I guess you can't have it all...

I'm sorry, this is not where I was going with this blog, but it became extremely random. I love all of my friends and I thank all of you guys for everything this year. You are amazing! Well...'til next time

I've been thinking a lot about God lately, trying to examine my own faith and what I stand for. It's interesting how when things slow down enough in life, the big topics start to take shape in one's mind. So...God. I believe in God now, as much as I ever did, when I began believing. I know that some people have skewed perceptions of who He really is and why people believe in Him. I didn't always believe---I remember making a conscious decision to believe and desire to know more. I also believe in Jesus and that He died so that I wouldn't have to and could be forgiven. I don't expect everyone to support this, or believe this, or even like this, but this is my statement. I have also had a skewed view of these things and mainly b/c I needed someone to blame for all the things that have gone wrong in life. I wanted God to be a scape-goat. Nice, huh? I am not the most spiritual person, not by far---but I just needed to get this out. It's been so long since I've had any faith---in anything. It may not make sense to anyone, but I would rather have faith in something that may seem ridiculous to others than not believe in anything at all. It doesn't matter what people think of this, I needed to put it into words.

*sigh* wow..It's done! I am officially done with OU. What can I say? It feels wonderful to be a college graduate! I am so completely excited...although I really wish I had someone to celebrate with tonight. But alas...everyone else has things that they have to do...like finals. :) Completely understandable. I just know that the feeling will wear off soon and I won't be as excited about it later on. Oh well. Don't get me wrong, I'll be excited about this for a while, but there's nothing like the initial excitement. It was great to see Zainab right after I finished my last final though. Thanks, girl...that really meant a lot. I needed that mini-celebration. :) You are so awesome! And then I called my mom who was incredibly proud of me. That was great...I love when my parents are proud of me. It definitely makes me feel good. It is wonderful to be finished though. I feel great! I really can't explain how absolutely relieved I am. Although, now I'm wondering what I'm going to do with all of my time...on to that job thing! Yay! But I think that's all I want to say for now...I just felt like I should say something...so...'til next time!

I am in such a werid mood right now. Today has been such an emotional roller coaster. I don't know what started it all. I talked to my aunt today, that was a really emotional conversation. It was just frustrating. I feel a little better, but I also feel like I have no control over anything. It's not a good feeling. God, I should be happy about so much right now. I'm finished w/ my undergrad in 3 days! Yes! 3 days! But there are so many other things on my mind at the moment, that I'm trying to stay positive and appear to be focused on my accomplishment. I had some other things to vent about but now I must sleep...'til next time...