Did everything just taste purple?

This morning I woke up and it was raining. I love the sound of rain. This made me not want to get out of bed. But I did b/c I had told my friend Kamilah that i would go w/ her and some of her friends to see The Passion of the Christ. As I stated yesterday, I had been wanting and trying to see it all weekend. And i finally did. Let me just say it was the most straight forward and eye-opening film I have ever seen. I had heard many things about it---from many believers about how fantastic it was and how everything was so accurate. So, me being in the skeptic place that i was in going into the movie, I was just a little bit unsure about what I would think about it.

All I can really say after watching the movie is wow. It reminded me of how loving God really is and how all of my hang-ups about this faith that I once had are ridiculous. I realized that no matter what I've gone through in these past two years and what I think God could have changed in ways that circumstances in my life may have been different are very small compared to what He did. He allowed His Son to suffer on my behalf---not just suffer but to be beaten and shamed beyond compare. I may have suffered emotionally in my life, but Jesus was sacrificed in a way that was truly inhumane. I should have been the one to die b/c of what I have done b/c I am so unworthy to even speak His name, yet i sat for so long in my own pity blaming him for the hurt I was feeling. I couldn't even let myself trust him b/c I was not willing to look to Him for help or comfort. Yet, even though Jesus was perfect, even as a human, He took on my sin and remained devoted to the Father. The Father sent Jesus here to die. Jesus knew all His life that was His purpose. Did He ever give up and say 'this is too much for me'? No. yes, He was perfect even as a human, but He was still human. He did ask God if there was any way for this not to happen, but He knew there wasn't so He went through w/ it. I am nothing. But He loves me anyway. What can I possibly do for someone who is so much? I must try to live this life He has given me to show those who don't know Him personally and are unsure about it all how much He loves them too. I don't want to say that this movie changed my life. Jesus did that. It was nearly 9 years ago that He came into my heart. For a while I served Him faithfully, then I became more willing to serve myself. I am a very selfish person. I want this life to reflect who He is, not my humanity. It's not too late, no matter how far one has strayed to go back to Him. he loves all of us and is willing to forgive us. We must be willing to allow Him to. There is nothing that is too terrible, nor too harsh that could ever keep His loving hand from each of us. I was very arrogant to think there was. Even though in my heart i knew the truth---I was just unwilling to admit it. Pride keeps us from many things that could actually help us. That's how it is in my life, anyway. I am very thankful that I have been given another chance to seek Him. A friend of mine told me that one can find their way back if they want to. I agree w/ this, but I also know that it is nothing that I could have done to put myself back in that position. I had to be drawn in. I was at a place at one point where I wasn't sure if He would ever draw me back. I felt so cold and heartbroken. But now I know that He never gave up on me. He loves me. I am happy to be a part of His plan again. God is absolutely incredible!

Well, it's Saturday night and I am sitting in my apartment alone. This is a wonderful thing. I love having the apartment to myself. :) Sometimes I just need to sit and reflect on what's been going on in my life. Lately, I've been so busy that I haven't really thought much on many things.

I had so much fun this weekend. I was supposed to go see the Passion movie w/ a friend of mine, but I had to cancel b/c my sis called me and told me she, her hubby, and my nephews were coming into town. Well, kinda. They were coming to Seminole to watch a jr. high basketball state tourny. So, I decided to meet them there to see them. They decided to stay w/ me last night in my apt. It was so much fun. Although only one of my nephews stayed. I had a blast. Jer and I get along so well. I don't know what I'll do when I have to move away and won't be able to see him in a matter of hours. I think I've talked abt this before...Anyway, this morning we got up to go see the Passion. We got all situated and Jer called me out of the theater---he made up an excuse--once outside the theater, he told me that he didn't think he could watch the movie today. This was fine w/ me b/c I didn't want him to see anything he didn't think he could handle. So, anyway...I told Karma and Gerald and Jer and I went to try to watch another movie---that didn't work out so we went to the mall. it was fun. I got to see the cute guy from Hot Topic, lol. Yet another highlight of my wknd. :) Jer actually kind of liked the store. We just hung out and then went back to pick up G & K and then came back here. They said the movie was amazing and I can't wait to see it. Then we went to Seminole to watch the finals in the tourny. Kenwood kicked butt. They played an amazing game. It was so much fun---I actually enjoyed a basketball game that Jer wasn't playing in. I had a really good time. Then I drove home and they went home. I really didn't want them to leave, but I'll see them in a few weeks. It was a very busy wknd.

Oh, I forgot to mention that yesterday my friend Kym called me and told me she was gonna be in Shawnee w/ the hour. Omigosh! I was so excited. I haven't seen her since, wow, I really don't know. But it's been a while. It was so good to see her. I was really excited. It's always good to see Kym---she's always so encouraging and very understanding. I love that girl, she's such an awesome friend.

But now I must get back to studying, I've slacked too much this wknd and tomorrow I have to get up kinda early b/c I'm meeting Kamilah to see the Passion. Hopefully this time it will work out, lol. the third time's the charm, right? Anyway...til next time...

Omigosh! Can I just say that Linkin Park lived up to everything that I had imagined. I just got home from the concert and wow---they were so amazing! i am still soooo excited, i can't even sleep. I'm getting tired though. Sara went with me--she said she had fun; I'm so glad she did. They sang every song I wanted them to, except one, but they sang my favorite song---it was awesome. it was great! Story of the Year was really good too. Much better than I thought they would be---very fun, although I probably wouldn't buy their cd. Hoobastank was really good too, I wasn't too thrilled about having to sit through them at first, but they are really good live. I really enjoyed it. The lead singer was very funny and was great with the audience---and he was kinda cute---double bonus. P.O.D.---seriously could have done w/out. I was extremely bored throughout their set. They didn't even try to interact w/ the crowd. They didn't talk to us---it pretty much sucked. So, I was getting pretty psyched beginning w/ the performance by SotY and then Hoobastank---then P.O.D. made me tired---blah. But then it was time for LP to take the stage. Omigosh! I knew every song, lol. And for a second I thought I was gonna pass out from screaming and b/c it was so freakin hot in there. But I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Btw..did I mention we were on the floor? Yeah, Sara and i were on the floor. Which was so incredible that I can't even explain. Everyone was going nuts. We were a little too close to the mosh pit a few times and one guy that was surfing kicked Sara in the head and pretty much sat on mine before he crashed to the floor. But I pretty much just laughed it off---I mean, things happen, esp. on the floor. Other than that, nothing was wrong. I could see Chester and Mike through pretty much all of the concert, which is amazing considering I am only 5'3" (give or take and inch). Chester is so cute---even w/ out his glasses ;)--and Mike is too. Sara and I used up an entire roll of film on the concert. I'm not sure how many pictures of LP we took, lol. At least half the roll was used on them. I think I love LP even more now---as if that were possible. But seriously, LP live is like nothing else. Everyone who likes even one of their songs should experience it. I am still revelling in it. I think I will be on this kick for a while. It seriously made me so happy. And I told Sara i don't think I've been this happy in a while. But, now I am getting tired, and I am extremely sore from standing on that floor and jumping and dancing....it was an amazing night, and I'm glad I got to experience it. Seriously, my b-day means nothing, lol---I got my present, that's all I needed. Well, til next time...

Yeah, I wish this was a story about how I had strawberry ice cream with Linkin Park and I could say how meeting Chester and Mike was completely amazing. But unfortunately, no. I was just sitting here having strawberry ice cream for dinner and thinking about a million and a half things that are going on in my life right now. I talked to my Mom today. I love my mom. We discussed how things are just really crappy right now w/ some things going on at home. I swear, if it weren't for my family (Mom, Dad, Sis, and Jer), I would go nuts when I go home. It makes me wonder about the whole church thing even more. Why do so many things happen the way they do? I feel really inadequate right now. I have had at least 4 conversations about Christianity this week with various people. I know it's going to come to a head soon. I had one conversation with a friend of mine earlier in the week. And I knew the question was coming---"so, what's God doing in your life right now?" Did I want to answer? Was I seriously avoiding it? The answers are no and yes, respectively. But the great thing about her asking me that (besides the fact that I got to work through the situation a little bit more) was the fact that she did ask. It's more than I can say for anyone else I know. They avoid asking more than I avoid thinking about it. She is a true friend and one that I am very lucky to have. She was very honest with me and so, I was with her. And even though I try to avoid thinking about it, it is always on my mind and plaguing me with everything I do or everything I encounter. And so, I do, as I have had for the past few months, have a desire to be in church tomorrow. Does that mean I'll get up and go? Probably not. Does that mean I'll regret it? Most likely. But it's still not as easy as just going. People may say that and judge me for it, but they don't understand, nor do they try. Geez, I sound like I'm having a huge "pity party" here, but I am, as always just working through some thoughts.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is a relationship that I have. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into some things, but I feel as if I am being avoided. It's not as if I see this person every day, but occasionally I do and I talk to this person often---or at least i used to. But lately, it's not at all, and it kind of bugs me. i would confront the situation, but for fear of being pushed aside as nothing. Again, it's probably nothing, but why risk it? People are way to risky to gamble trust on.

Still contemplating the b-day thing. I don't know. I think it's more trouble than it's worth. I don't know what I want to do, or if i want to do anything. I'm getting to old for this b-day nonsense.

Not to mention, there is crap going on with my schedule for the fall. Oh the joys of being a college student! Geez, as it looks, I may not get to graduate in May '05. But we'll see, I'm gonna do as much as i can to make sure I do.

But to make things much happier, I was thinking about the concert tomorrow night. I so can't wait to get there and to be able to say, "Yeah, I saw Linkin Park." I swear, they have to be one of the most talented bands of the past 30 years. Their lyrics are amazing and I can totally relate to a lot of what they say. I am so excited about this! I will have fulfilled yet another one of my goals. Now all I have to do in my life is see Weezer in concert, go to Yankee stadium, travel to Africa, and find the job that makes me happy.

So, my favorite actor is Edward Norton---which I've seen all of his movies (well most), but do not own a single one of them. And my favorite actress is Drew Barrymore---which the above goes for as well. What's crazy is that I have not seen the one movie that stars the both of them! Not to mention is a Woody Allen film---whom I absolutely love. He's amazing. Btw...it's called 'Everyone Says I Love You.' Sounds like a typical WA film. I was just curious about it b/c tonight I watched a WA film---absolutely wonderful, of course---called "Anything Else." I loved it. Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci are in it and do a wonderful job. I know that not all of New York is like what is portrayed in the movie, but I'm sure there are some parts of the city that do hold to this portrait that was painted. I love the thought of NYC. It's extremely rivoting. *sigh* Anyway...back to the original thought. I just thought that it was odd that I love the work of both actors, yet I don't own a single thing that either of them has made. Well, okay, I bought the Italian Job, but Jer won't let me keep it. And I bought Riding In Cars With Boys, but I can't find it. *rolls eyes* Nor do I own a single Woody Allen film. Craziness, I know. And anyone who knows me, knows that I love movies. It's crazy. Random thoughts from my head...

But on to more disturbing news...something that means more to me than the worth of an actor on film...that would be BASEBALL. So, I get this call from Jer tonight. It scared me b/c why would he call? Anyway...he tells me that the Yanks are trying to sign A-Rod---in return the Rangers will aquire Alfonso Soriano! NOOOOO!!!! Seriously! What is going on? Everyone who knows me, knows I love the Yankees. And they know that A-Rod is my fave, but they also know that I feel that he is NOT a Yankee. Omigosh! (To all my close friends...I promise I will try to keep my venting to this...I will not complain about it all during the season...as I know all of you think the season is long enough, I will not make it longer.) But seriously! WHY??? Yes, it can be disputed that A-Rod is the greatest short in the league. Which is why this deal does not make sense. Jeter is a close second. Yes, I paid Jeter a compliment. Not to mention, his understudy, is amazing. We all saw that at the beginning of last season when Jeter was injured. So, where will A-Rod go? To 2nd, where Soriano is now? NOOOOO, he may go to 3rd---where wonder boy Aaron Boone has been playing. Okay, so Boone didn't do so well in post-season, but during the regular season (or so at the end) he was amazing. Well, in a couple of games anyway...as if it weren't bad enough the Andy Pettit and Roger Clemens went to Houston, now Soriano must to to that place called TX too? Why is all so unfair? I wish I had an answer...;/

Anyway...'til next time...

It's valentine's day. Yay! I never understood why people got so depressed if they were single on valentine's day. Of course, every relationship I've been in has made me depressed to be attached. So, that could be why. I am absolutley loving today, actually. I have done nothing---at all. It is 7:30 p.m. and I am still in my pj's. I haven't done that in years. It's a great day.

So, my roomie and I went out last night. She wanted a swirl from the Mont. so, I drove. It was a lot of fun. I have made a conscious decision not to drink---out of respect for my father. I had some good conversations w/ my parents last weekend while I was home. But I digress...So, Sara and I went out. It was an interesting night. It's so strange how alcohol makes you want to be so honest. We talked a lot, about personal stuff and laughed at each other. Of course I did most of laughing, since I was sober. She may not even remember the conversation we had, but I thought it was good to talk. I swear, I'm like a priest, alcohol or no alcohol, people insist on telling me everything. lol. It's fine. I love talking to my friends---it's strangers that i struggle with. But it was good. We helped each other work through some stuff, kinda.

Stress, I swear should have been my middle name. Why is it that things that don't involve me, somehow do? Do I try to butt into everyone's lives? I don't think I do. But if I do, someone should stop me. There is indeed a situation that I believe has evolved from something that was meant to be innocent. However, it seems to be leading to something that could be tragic. And I feel that I need to step in. How do I get involved in these things?

Back to the bar...Sara and I were talking and I can't believe my birthday is in less than a month. I am just so not into it. Okay, usually, I like my b-day, however it's usually pretty disappointing. Just because no one else really seems to care. But last year was great. That was probably one of the best b-day's I've had. I so appreciate the party Sara threw for me. She put a lot of thought into it and it was great. This year, I really don't care, actually, I'd like to just skip over March 9th and forget about it. But we were talking...and I dunno. Getting together with some friends would be fun, I s'pose. One evening won't kill me. I'm just not ready.

Geez, I swear, I'm going through such a mid-life crisis right now. I'm becoming more of an adult. lol, right. I don't know really. These past few months have been pretty trying for me. I am really sick of the college scene. I'm tired of whiney little kids (i.e. college students) and their ongoing immaturity that leads to problems that aren't really problems. Not that I am in any way as mature as I should be, geez, I'm still in college for pete's sake. But I know I've done a lot of growing in the past two years. It does have a lot to do with the things my family has struggled with and I'm not saying that no one else has struggled, but it has made an impact on my life. Sara said something last night that really made me think. She said that I haven't changed since OBU. And that I was never the typical OBU-er. What does that mean? Yeah, I agree, somewhat. I'm still me. That's a good thing. When I entered that world, I was already established as to who I am. But in thinking that, I want to be more. And maybe that's what is really bothering me about the people I am surrounded by day after day. Maybe because they are still struggling to find who they really are. I need more. I need to be done and away from this part of my life, unfortunately, that can't happen right now. So, I must work harder, and press on, so that I can get to that point in my life and so that I can set my sights on this goal and to see it getting nearer to being reached. It's what I need to do.

Wow, this was a long entry...so, 'til next time...

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=3495&link_name=Get+a+Chinese+name&my_url=http://www.mandarintools.com/chinesename.html

I was bored and came across this while playing on the internet.

Just some bands that I think everyone should check out. :)

two thirty eight
yellocard
anatomy of a ghost
brand new
dashboard confessionals
early november
fall out boy
further seems forever
gatsby's american dream
hot rod circuit
promise ring
taking back sunday
the bens
the get up kids
the juliana thoery
the rocket summer
the starting line
Saetia - Venus and Bacchus
You&I - Tell Me About Your Childhood
Hot Cross - Putting the Past Right
Neil Perry - Millions Lost at the Penny Arcade
Off Minor - Farewell Ne'er Do Well
Rites of Spring - Hidden Wheel
Fugazi - Forensic Scene
Dag Nasty - Can I Say

And I'm adding new links. :)

"To follow the path that Howard Dean seems to prefer is to embrace a “Simon Says” foreign policy where America only moves if others move first. And that is just as wrong as George Bush’s policy of schoolyard taunts and cowboy swagger."

I liked that statement, but I'm not sure what I think about all of this really. I mean, from my personsal perspective, it's hard to believe it all---maybe b/c I'm just a very cynical person and it's really hard for me to trust people---esp. politicians. Labeliing oneself a politician does not put you in the front of my line. As far as the portions, concerning the war, it is kind of hard to swallow. I agree that the U.S., i.e. Bush, needs to stand up and take responsibility for everything that has taken place over the past 3-4 years. What is seriously going on here? If our president does not even think enough of the American people to share with us the truth about why we went to war, then how can we trust him on anything? Now that we know that there may have been problems with the intelligence that led to the war---it's like Conan O'Brien said about Bush's reasons for war---"b/c my daddy told me to." Thousands have died in the name of "Liberty" and doing the right thing is always the way of the Americans---wow, we are a bold people. However, those thousands did not need to die in order to validate a personal vandetta for the leader of the free world. Yes, Hussein is captured, but I don't feel any safer. Not that I am living my life in fear, wondering when the next terrorist act will be, but honestly, it just makes me wonder if that truly is the end of Hussein's reign. Someone comes and bombs Americans, we call it terrorism, we go bomb someone, we call it 'lending a helping hand.' Yeah, that's justice.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into a commentary, but I just couldn't stop. :)
---I think these are great speeches, but I really don't know what he plans to do about it---I'll keep researching. ;o)

http://johnkerry.com/issues/economy/

http://www.johnkerry.com/pressroom/releases/pr_2004_0205f.html

http://johnkerry.com/pressroom/speeches/spc_2003_1216.html

http://johnkerry.com/communities/nativeamericans/