Did everything just taste purple?

It seems like all I've been posting lately is song lyrics...so it's time for a real blog.

I had a pretty good day today. It started out with me waking up 30 minutes before I needed to...so I went back to sleep. :) I had a meeting with one of my professors about research, which was cool. I'll admit that I had a few reservations about going because I was going to see one of my friends that I hadn't really been keeping up with for the past few weeks. I wasn't trying to avoid her...just everyone really. Anyway, we had our meeting and my friend and I made plans for lunch. Again, a little apprehensive, but I should have known better than that. She is so cool. I swear I always feel so much better after I talk to her. She's just one of those people that you really don't have to say anything to about anything in particular, but she can really put a new perspective on things and make me feel 'renewed' in a sense. I admire her so much and I am really soooo incredibly thankful that she is my friend.

We were talking at lunch and we somehow got onto the topic of feeling pressured. I told her that I wasn't feeling particularly social at the moment or for the past few days. It really has nothing to do with my friends; I just need(ed) some time to myself. She said, 'hey it's not like you signed a contract that you had to hang out with us.' :) That was awesome. Another thing she said, which paid me a huge compliment, although I'm not sure that she realized it at the time, but it was definitely something I needed to hear was (getting back to the pressured topic) 'I don't think you've ever been 'pressured' into doing anything.' Wow. That was so great. It made me smile. I should have said 'thank you.' but it kinda caught me off guard and I just kind of went with it. That one comment, I think, affected the rest of my day. I like that about myself---that people don't perceive me as someone who is easily pressured. Well, at least that my friends don't see me that way. Thanks.

But then tonight, things got a little sad. My roommate had a really rough day. Some things happened at work which were absolutely ridiculous and she was the target. I really feel for her and there is nothing I can do to help her. I really wish I could do something for her, but I don't know what to do. I really hope things work out for her and that she can regain a sense of control. Our personalities are really different and it makes it a little harder to relate at times. God, I feel so helpless in this situation. Somewhere along the way to here I lost the ability to 'be a person who could help.' In that I mean, there was a time in my life that I could actually try to say things that were somewhat comforting or helpful, but now...it's gone. I don't know, maybe I've become too focused on myself to be able to do that. I don't know. See? Focusing on myself again...I just turned this problem that my roomie is having into something about myself...geez.

On a different note...life is weird. lol. I guess people already knew that. It's not that profound of a statement. It's been 10 years today that Stephen died. Ten years. Wow. I can still remember the phone call. And I knew what Missy was going to tell me and I kept trying to avoid the subject by talking about other things. I so wish things had been different during that time. I wish some things had never happened and I wish I could change some things. But living life in regret isn't living. I still miss him so much. He was one of those people that you like instantly and could never have a reason not to like. He was so funny and charismatic. This may sound cheesy, but through his eyes you could see just how absolutely beautiful he was. He was such an amazing person. I'm very thankful that I did have the opportunity to know him--even for the brief time that it was.

But overall, it's been a good day. :)

This needs to be posted...I get so much out of this song...

"She
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

Are you locked up in a world
That's been planned out for you
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you

She
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

Are you locked up in a world
That's been planned out for you
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
Ehhhhhhaaoo

Are you locked up in a world
That's been planned out for you
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you"

I absolutley love that song. Right now I'm feeling a bit anti-social. 'magine that, right? The thing is I have a lot going through my head at the moment. New things this time. Kind of. I am still feeling this urgency to move on or in a new direction. Maybe that's part of why I'm distancing myself from things, people, situations. I'm just in a weird place right now. I don't feel like anyone I know would really understand it. It's hard to explain and as I've said before, I'm not the most articulate person...so there it is. I've been researching some things the past few days. Nothing seems to click though. Well, maybe one thing, but I'm not sure. I've been considering it for a few months now and now I've actually had the guts to explore it more thoroughly...kind of. I dunno...Maybe I will find something soon that will just do wonders for me. Ha ha. I guess the best word to describe things right now is 'inadequacy'. Yeah, that just about sums it up.

Well, 'til next time...

Ahhh...The Shins...sooo good. If you don't agree, I feel sorry for ya.

In the moment...I'm feeling really at ease with the world. It kind of scares me...lol, I guess I'm not that at ease.

Okay, so, i'm not really in love...but do you ever have one of those moments when you feel absolutely out of control (in a good way) and the only explanation is a memory, or a song, or some other random thing that just takes everything out of the way and leaves you with a sense of ...i dunno, 'being in love.' Maybe not exactly being in love, but that feeling that overcomes you when you feel like there is nothing else in the world but you and this one person---when things are good/great. When you wish you will never wake up from this 'dream' that someone/something has filtered into your head--you wish it could last forever. This is such an odd explanation---and now it doesn't even makes sense, but i'm going to post this anyway. Lately, there has been one song that has done that for me---kind of...well, b/c there isn't a boy that makes me feel that way, lol. Not at the moment anyway. But this song just gives me a sense of I dunno---maybe it just makes me high. Geez, love was so long ago, maybe I'm getting the two confused. Eh. Anyway...the song is "Chocolate" by Snow Patrol. Very very good song. *sigh* Lyrics please...

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

so, there it is...'til next time...

So, it's Thursday night. Today was another good day. I am enjoying my time away from people. I really am.

Last night I went to see Madagascar for the second time. It was just as enjoyable as the first---maybe moreso. I felt so in sync with Marty---yeah, the Zebra. Esp. at the beginning of the movie---"there's got to be more to life than this" I totally agree. Ever feel like a caged animal at the zoo? Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but since i'm not going anywhere...lol. There are a few ideas floating around in my head right now as to what I want to do after graduation. None of them are permanent, but many of them are exciting. I'm not exactly willing to share these ideas with anyone right now, but I am trying to work on making things happen. I'm hoping one of my friends will go along with me on some of this stuff. We'll see. I'm kind of getting excited about it! yay! Although, I'm still not 'planning' anything. graduation will come and go---no big deal..then life begins. Does that scare me? Not at the moment...I'm excited!

My good friend called me tonight. I think that put me in a better mood. I've been doing better for the past few days, but phone calls from this friend usually allows me to sort through things and see things from a different perspective. Which is kind of what I needed right now. I'm still feeling anxious though. I need something new to happen...I don't know---maybe meeting someone new, doing something I have never done before, finding something that I can do well...I don't know. But I think if it happens, I'll know, and then I may feel a little at ease...until the next round. lol.

okay, I'm beginning to get cold...I'm sitting outside on my balcony,as usual, and I love this weather! Yay! If only it would stay this way...oh well, 'til next time...

Who knew Garbage could be so profound. Okay, so the title of the song seems to describe me right now. I got home, watched the weather channel and got REALLY excited when I saw that it is supposed to rain all day today! YAY! Most people hate the rain...god, I love it. I'm sitting outside on my balcony, which seems to be the only place I can connect to the internet. It's lightening...yeah, I guess I'm not the brightest kid sometimes, but it's nice out here. I've been in such a pissy mood lately. I wish I really knew why. Well, there are a combination of things, but honestly, these topics are getting old. I feel like I'm at a dead end...in all things. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about being done w/ my undergrad in December, although, I kind of wish I had just finished this summer. But I'll live. I'm hoping something incredible will come along soon b/c I'm ready for it. I am feeling better about things right now. I really need some "me time". I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I'll think of something. I always do. :) This is kind of a random entry---but do I ever not have a random entry? well, it's getting late and I have much to do tomorrow, so...'til next time...

Okay, so not the most meaningful post, but over the past few months a few things have been bothering me a bit. So...it bothers me that...
1. I can never tell people how I feel exactly when I feel it (which leads to things becoming bigger than they should)
2. I can't get out of this mood.
3. I want things that I can't have and make no conscious efforts of obtaining them.
4. "Guess Mel's age" has become a favorite party game.
5. Anxiety comes from lack of control, and I become more anxious by the moment.
6. I pretend way too much.
7. When I do feel that I've come to some conclusion, I still don't feel any better than before the decision.
8. A 'happy medium' seems to never be in the works
9. I need another job.
10. Life happens.

Wow, I can't believe I still haven't posted about the Killers or Green Day! This is just crazy. Let's see, I know more has happened than just the concerts, but that is the main reason for this post. It's been 3 weeks today since we saw the Killers. They were amazing to say the least. The drummer, Ronnie Vanucci, is soooo cute. Brandon Flowers is such a performer. The entire band did a great job. It was so much fun. The night before Zainab, Stacy, Natalie, and I went to Aaron's to make t-shirts to wear to the concert. It was so much fun. Although we had a moment in the night where we had to have a bit of "therapy" as always. :) I love my friends! Back to the t-shirts: Natali's said "I'm Natalie, and I believe." Zainab's was "I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier." Stacy's was "Smile like you mean it." Aaron wore "Jenny was a friend of mine." And my t-shirt said, "Hey, shut up." Any Killers fan will recognize all of these lines. So we get there 2 hours before the doors open. Yeah, 5 p.m. It's ridiculously hot...b/c it had been nice all weekend and had been raining. Anyway...we pissed some people off b/c they weren't using their heads and didn't get in line as they should have. But we get inside and try to get as close as we can to the front. It was crazy! After the "opening act" (and I use this term VERY loosely) it took the Killers another 1/2 hour to take the stage. Technical difficulties. yeah. It was torture! But finally...AHHHH! Can ya hear the angels singing? Yes! It was soooo much fun. Honestly...I can't remember what they began with, but when they did Mr. Brightside and All These Things That I've Done...nothing else mattered. I was so happy!
Okay...so, GREEN DAY! Yes! I said GREEN DAY! After being an adoring fan for 13-14 years, I finally got the opportunity to see them live! Not only that, but GA seating. That means that I had a chance to get close to them and see them up close. Did it happen? Did it ever! Okay...two nights after The Killers concert, Payam, Zainab, Aaron, and I agree to meet at Aaron's between 4 and 4:30. No problem. I get off work, no worries....except that Norman has to make sure that a train will be sitting on the tracks that I need to cross at the exact time I need to cross them, so that other people will get near GREEN DAY and I won't. YAY!! So, after 20 minutes at the tracks, I finally get through and make it to Aaron's. Well, Payam and Zainab aren't there yet. :( So we wait a bit and then they show up, honk, and we jump in. We get to OKC around 5:15. :( Yeah, we wanted to be early so we could get in line...So the brilliant people of the Ford Center have made arrangements to sell merchandise outside. YAY! I'm excited...so we go two by two, as if waiting for a flood...as P & Z are getting their shirts, Aaron stops a FC employee and asks which line is for GA. The employee seems to be confused by the oddity of a single line as they will open all doors at the same time. We go for it. There is a door at the front with no one in front of it. Crazy! So, we ask if we can camp there, the guy says, sure...as long as there is a table by the door it's fair game. We are the first in line! Yeah! So...20-30 minutes later, we get searched and allowed inside. We get our wristbands and Zainab, the wonderful person that she is, has secured us a place right on the railing at the front of the catwalk---well, it's actually on the right, from the viewpoint of the band. But it's spectacular! Jimmy Eat World opens---great performance, if only the sound had been a little better on the floor. Apparently people in the seats could hear them fine. Then...GREEN DAY takes the stage. They open with American Idiot, followed by Jesus of Suburbia, and then Holiday. Oh wow! we were at Billie Joe's side most of the night. I can't even describe how amazing they were. I could try, but you really don't know unless you were there. All I can say is that I can die happy now. :) He briefly touched my hand---barely, but it counts! :) Yeah, I got chills. Even now, thinking about it---*sigh*. He sang to Aaron and Zainab got a bunny and a guitar pick. All we have is memories though, b/c no cameras were allowed and I didn't have my phone with me. :( But memories are great---they are our memories and hey, I'll live with that. So, here's a pic from their site...which is pretty close the what they looked like that night anyway...:) So...'til next time...