Did everything just taste purple?

I have been thinking a lot about many different things lately.  I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to spend time with many of my best friends lately.  It has really make me think about the important things in life.
 
I do realize that I am the oldest person of my dearest friends.  Age doesn't really matter to me as much as it used to.  It's just not a big deal.  But that's not my point.  My point here is that things are changing.  Becca just became a mother.  How beautiful is that.  When I went to see her & the baby for the first time, she made a statement that was truly from the heart, but felt she had to explain and change to accommodate me.  That shouldn't have been how it way, but...  What Becca had said was, "I don't understand how someone wouldn't want to do this."  To be honest, neither do I.  I know being a parent is a very special thing...a very important part of someone's life.  However, I still have no desire to be a mother.  Okay, let me stop there and gather my thoughts.  *sigh*  Yes, the thought of having a child has entered my mind.  I in no way would be able to raise a child.  I don't care how compassionate I may be in others' eyes, nor do I care how loving and devoted I am towards children.  I am not a mother.  How many times have I said, "I"???  Yes, I'm selfish.  I like no attacchments.  But I also don't feel like I deserve a child to take care of nor would I be able to raise someone to be... It's not in the cards.  On the other hand, I believe things happen for a reason.  I am not able to "mother" but I am blessed with the opportunity to be an aunt.  I will soon have a great nephew.  I am very excited about this.  It's going to be awesome! :)

Spirituality has been weighing heavy on me.  I desire to live as a spiritual being, but I don't necessarily require standard religious practices.  I must do more research.  I can't be who people want me to be, not that I ever have been...when I say that of course I mean my family.   Maybe it is defiance.  Maybe I'm just trying really hard not to be them. 



What else is on my mind?  Marriage.  Don't worry little ones...I'm not running off to Vegas.  Based on recent events I begin to question myself.  Would I stay faithful?  Or would I find the first difficulty as a reason to "run" as I always do and it would just be one more thing I can't handle?  Is this my "that's why I stay away---don't get attached" way of thinking?  It's weird.  Of course each person is different.  It really doesn't matter, I find myself interested in the unattainable.  Maybe that's the wrong word.  Mostly those that I am attracted to is pointless...because I know it wouldn't work out and I already know the reasons why. 


Most importantly, I'm doing more things that are for me.  I'm enjoying my time more and exploring new things and finding out more about myself.  That's what's great about trying to see the whole picture.  Having my friends is important.  More important than the small things that could change that.  I love the openness I have with them and the support I get from them.  It's a great feeling to be loved.

Today started off really good.  Work was good.  I was in a really good mood.  Really surprised by this. 

It's been three years today since my dad passed away.  I called my sis today.  I didn't really get emotional until then.  She said she was okay, Mom seems okay, Jer too.  Now I'm a little scattered.  But it really has been a good day, despite this.  I guess we are all dealing with it differently.  This is good.  I know it often affects me in different ways.  I'm dealing. 

Well tomorrow is another day, so...'til next time. :)

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not."

It's harder than you think right now. I feel so lost at the moment. I am trying to maintain my sense of togetherness. I'm not winning that battle. For those of you who do not know, my dad is not doing very well. To tell you the truth, there's very little that is going well. Tomorrow we are meeting with his doctor to find out what is really going on. Although, I already know it doesn't look good. I know, God is in control & He can do anything. It's a lot easier to maintain when I don't think about it in terms of my dad, directly. Right now it seems that there is a lot of neurological damage. The doctor wants to wait until Wednesday & do another C/T scan to see if by chance there is any improvment. More waiting. I want to thank those of you who have responded to my e-mail & told me just what I am trying to maintiain...that His will be done. It's much easier to say. I know it's true. I prayed that at the beginning of this ordeal, but it doesn't really make it any easier. I don't feel myself slipping away from His comfort. I've gone down that road & I don't want to do it again. It's not worth being out of God's will just for my own selfish reasons. Plus my dad always says "...if it's God's will." There was a time when he wasn't able to say that. I praise God that he can now. So whatever God has in store, I will do my best to accept as His will. Even so, I'm still human. I could relly use a good friend right now. Those of you who know me well, know that I am very close to my dad. Right now I feel like he is the only person who cares for me so much that he was invested in my life at every point. But I do want to say thank you, Becca, for being there for me. I don't want to discount you at all. I know that I can count on you.

There are always going to be things that I will have no control over. But I can control my actions and how my faith will shine through. My mom needs help through this as well. As does my sister & nephew. We still do not know what tomorrow brings. But I do desire that this be my prayer: "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." Psalm 56:3. No matter what I know that God is there for me too. He will help me through this. I can't imagine not having His comfort in my life. Thank you for listening...'til next time...

Well, as if things weren't wierd enough...I ran into an old friend of mine at church on Sunday. We talked for a bit and I found out he may be called back up into the military. That terrifies me. What terrifies me about it is that he is so calm about it, plus he hasn't even told his mom yet. I'm the only one that knows. All I can do is pray for him and his safety. He has no worries about it; I guess his faith is a bit stronger than mine in this situation.

On a brighter note. I actually got to go to Jer's game last night. Wow! What a game. They were neck-in-neck with their opponent all through the first half and then in the second half they blew them away. The score ended up being 42-20. Jer scored 4 TDs, got 2 interceptions, and threw a beautiful pass downfield for a touchdown. The whole team did a great job. His line did what they were supposed to do and b/c of that they scored. He was so pumped, it was hilarious. I really want him to have fun when he's playing and not worry about winning or losing, and last night he was. It was great to see him play. It's funny b/c he plays offense and defense. He plays QB, kicker, and cornerback. It's 8-man, so it's a little different, but it's fun to watch.

Well, I should get back to work. I have a million things to do and it's Wednesday...so, 'til next time...

So much has happened and changed in the past 3 months. I am where I wanted to be for so long. In that I mean physically and spiritually. I like being back in Jay. It's kind of strange b/c it's such a small town, but it's home. That's how I felt at OBU when I was there and about OU when I first began there. Now, you couldn't pay me to set foot on OU. Anyway...I'm enjoying being with my family. Things aren't perfect, they never are, but they are good.

Spirituality is a different matter. For a long time I was just miserable b/c I wasn't following God the way I know I should have been. My last few months in Norman were absolutely horrible for me. Don't get me wrong, I had my friends there and I love them dearly, but I didn't really have any spiritual support that I really needed and desired. This was a huge factor in my decision to come back home. I really wanted to have the relationship with God that I had so many years ago. Yes, I know you can't go back to a certain time, but you can rebuild. It's taken me a few months to get to a place where I feel close to God. That's b/c, as we all know, I'm pretty stubborn. Holding on to things in the past had kept me from giving my all. Of course, it's a daily struggle, as all of you who are Christians know. But now I'm seeking God and His wisdom in everything. And God is teaching me and has given me a place where I am welcome and supported. Even at work I am surrounded by Christians. Something I haven't experienced in a while...except for St. Stephens' which was only 1 day per week. I know this is where I am supposed to be. It's good.

Now I struggle with an ending...so I'll just say thank you to Kym, Lindz, & Manda for keeping me in your prayers, even when I didn't want to be there. You gals are awesome! But for now, I need to get back to being a bit 'Matt Damonish', so...'til next time!

I so feel like crying right now. But I can't. I don't know why. I almost did a few times tonight while I was with friends, but I held it back. And now that I am completely alone, I can't do it.

It has been such a highly emotional day. Too many things have happened, but I guess the most significant was finding out that my uncle passed away. We thought he was doing better. Although, in retrospect, I guess he really wasn't. He had his moments. The funeral is Thursday. So at least I will be home for that.

I really didn't feel like being around anyone tonight. But I am glad that I went when Payam called. Honestly, if anyone else had called, I probably would have said no. It's kind of funny, I guess.

I have one more full day here. That's enough. So, 'til next time...